Test
by Y0URIMAGINARYFRIEND
Summary: The jounin exams are coming up, and Kakashi has devised a fresh torture for his not-so-little students before he lets them enter - kunoichi training. Team 7 won't know what's hit them.
1. News

Inexplicably, I have felt the urge to write humor. It might just be rebellion against my disturbed muse, and it might be a terrible idea, but I'm determined to at least try. However, I make no promises that it will be funny.

Warning: Expect teenagers blushing. Expect gay and straight relationships. Expect evilness, because my muse is still a part of me however much I supress her. Oh, and the rating may well change.

For the 100 Themes Challenge, I present-

77) Test

* * *

"So, brats. I'm proud of you, you've finally completed enough missions successfully to take part in the jounin exams this year. Isn't that exciting?"

Sakura managed a small noise approaching a groan, but couldn't muster the energy for more. Excitement was certainly beyond her now – what with the seven fractured ribs and dangerously low chakra reserves. Luckily, the hospital was only just beyond the front gates, so she would be allowed to pass out soon.

As usual, Naruto displayed the exuberance that only he could while nursing third degree burns and a shattered shoulder-blade, actually running a few steps and punching the air with his working arm. "Awesome, I can't wait!" Sakura winced mentally at the way his blisters cracked with the movement, but now wasn't the time to worry about his casual attitude towards pain. Now was the time to take one step at a time and concentrate on staying upright.

Sasuke was silent, but that probably had a lot to do with the senbon through his throat. That, and he was too proud to admit he was excited, maybe more excited than all of them. Her boys were all so stupid.

With that thought, she passed out, conveniently caught by team leader's arms

#

Naruto hated hospitals. He always seemed to be hanging around them though, so he'd learned to tolerate the sights and smells that assaulted him as he walked down the white corridor.

Hospital visits were the downside of having abnormally fast healing abilities – he wanted to go and _train_, but his whole team were laid up in bed with various injuries. They usually were after A-class missions though, so he was used to it (not that that stopped him complaining about their slow healing abilities). At least this time Kakashi was reasonably alive, with nothing more than a case of torn ligaments in one ankle.

With any luck the copy-nin would be released today, and Naruto intended to capitalize on the man's hatred of sterile buildings to get some training in before the day ended. His muscles were just itching to spar, and he needed to be in top condition for the jounin exams.

However, much to his surprise, he found not only Kakashi, but Sakura and Sasuke sitting in their normal gear, apparently all better.

"Hey, how come you guys are up already? I thought you needed bed rest or something with such bad chakra exhaustion." He noticed Sasuke scowl slightly, and failed to repress a grin. Having a demon fox with unlimited stamina really helped when recovering from chakra exhaustion, and he loved beating the Bastard at anything.

Before he could gloat properly though, Kakashi spoke. "They're still too low to take normal missions or train, but that's not a problem. You see, we need to do a very particular kind of training, what with the jounin exams in just a few months, and all of you so keen to pass."

"Really? What is it? And how come they don't need chakra for it? And-"

"Slow down Naruto, everything will become clear. The jounin exams are rather different to the chuunin, as I'm sure you know. There isn't any teamwork, only solo, and it's not open to other countries. Instead, you will be competing against our fellow leaf-nin...or you may be allied with some of them. It all depends on the tasks set you.

"Now I'm not worried about your fighting skills, any of you, but there is another area I fear none of you know much about, and it's often one of the most important in the exam." He paused, deliberately holding the tension until Naruto opened his mouth to ask _what_, exactly, this 'other area' was, to continue.

"You need to learn the traditional kunoichi method of seduction."

There was a moment of stunned silence, then...

"WHAT THE HELL?!?"

#

Sasuke uncovered his ears and repressed a sigh. Kakashi was clearly not in his right mind.

"Kakashi, only Sakura needs to learn such things, and I for one am not willing to help 'train' her in anything of the sort." She'd improved a lot as she grew, both in character and physical form, but that didn't mean the team's dynamics wouldn't be screwed if any of them did something like...what Kakashi seemed to be suggesting. Anyway, he wanted to be training himself for this exam, not just his teammate.

He glanced at their old teacher's face, noticing that the man's arms were crossed and his expression disturbingly blank. That usually indicated a lost battle for someone, probably him in this case. Kakashi looked far too patient about all of this. Too sane.

"No, Sasuke, you all need to learn. Girls are not the only ones to form relationships, and they are not the only whores you can get, if you look in the right places. The jounin exams last six whole months, and there's no lethal ninjutsu allowed, so it's a very useful skill to have. And-" Kakashi raised a hand to cut off Naruto's (probably loud) protests before they started. "-really, this is one of the skills only the most self-controlled can master. It's important for you to have a range of skills, rather than focusing on battle skills."

"B-but Kakashi-sensei, are you sure it's allowed? I thought you weren't allowed to marry until eighteen." Sakura was blushing, unusually shy for some reason. He just hoped it wasn't due to a re-awakened crush on him.

"No, Sakura, that's only for civilians, and even then they can marry younger with parental consent. Shinobi are taken as adults once they become chuunin, that's how come you were allowed to get your own place last year. And anyway, it's not unusual for ninja – kunoichi in particular – to use sex as a weapon from a very young age."

Sasuke only just managed to keep his face impassive at that. He'd already known that chuunin were treated as adults, but when he thought about the ages of some prodigies...Itachi's face at nine years flashed through his mind, soft and smiling and back from a mission where he might have-

It made him feel both sick and viciously satisfied at once, and he spoke up in an attempt to clear the disturbing images from his mind.

"So, do we have any option about this?" Kakashi grinned, his visible eye crinkled up into a sadistic smile. This couldn't be good.

"You do, but I'm afraid I won't recommend you for the exams otherwise; I'd hate to see any of you dead." The man seemed serious about it, and Sasuke hid a shiver. It couldn't really make that much difference, could it?

Either way, he had to take the chance. He couldn't afford to wait another year for the next exams. It wasn't like he _cared_ about his purity anyway, if he had any after making killing his career. It didn't sound hard either, knowing how girls reacted to him. And if he did agree, Naruto and Sakura would too, because the former wouldn't want to look a wimp and the latter still seemed to hero-worship him a little.

He took a shallow breath, and sealed their fates.

"I'll do it."

* * *

Did you laugh? Will you have nightmares? Should I be sectioned? Let me know, because I'm really not sure about this fic.


	2. Technicalities

I have a feeling this story is trying to throw off the 'humor' label, but I'll persist a little longer and see if I can tame the beast . And if it all spins off into angsty dramatic introspection, I'll try to give you fair warning so you can escape.

Thank you to my reviewers, especially to ARandomWeirdo for asking a question. To answer, this is AU to the extent that Sasuke is home and reasonably sane. Some elements of cannon will be kept, and anything important will be made clear, but a good deal of recent Shippuden events won't get a mention...probably. Oh, and the rookie nine are 16, and all at least chuunin. I hope that helps!

Anyway, now the torture for our favourite team begins.

Enjoy!

* * *

"Right, everybody here?"

"You're _late_, sensei!" Sakura shouted, though her heart wasn't in it. She'd been glad to have the time to think this over while she waited – every second was a chance to change her mind and decide not to go along with this madness, to walk away and protect her innocence. But then again...it _was_ a useful skill, and she wasn't a baby clinging to her mother's apron-strings any more. Wasn't waiting for anybody in particular now either, so her purity hardly mattered, she thought wryly.

She still wouldn't turn Sasuke down if he came asking – even now she found him stunningly attractive – but she knew him better now, understood his hissy fits and cynical mind, and a real relationship was not on the cards. She loved him, of course she did, but it was hard now to ignore the facts – he didn't love her, would never love her, and would make her unhappy in the long-run because she would never be needed by him the way she'd always wanted. She didn't know exactly when the dream of being the love that healed him had faded, but it certainly had now, and her emotions certainly weren't at risk here.

So she didn't change her mind. She would do the damn training, and she _wouldn't_ get embarrassed. And she would beat the boys at something hands down for once because this wouldn't be won on stamina. That's what she told herself, but somehow her mind kept running back to the start, and she ended up with a headache by the time Kakashi appeared.

"Maa, Sakura," He said, smiling insincerely "I had to take a lost child back to it's mother and I got a little delayed."

"A little delusional, more like." Came from her right, where Naruto was standing. She rolled her eyes in agreement, and he grinned back, bright and open.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice almost identical to her own muttered something about emotions being more at risk in _that_ department, these days. She slapped it down before her alter-ego could start commenting on how much taller and muscular Naruto was these days. Inner-Sakura was unhealthily obsessed with male physique, and she could do without blushes this morning. Her teammates would think it was about the whole _seduction_ thing, and their concern for her would be mortifying.

"So, Kakashi, how do we start?" Sasuke was always straight to the point, and sometimes it annoyed her, but today Sakura was happy to get out of her own head and listen to someone else for a change. Well, she thought she was, but the look on Kakashi's face made her wary.

"Well, Sasuke, I thought we'd begin with the basics. Men and women are different, as I'm sure you've noticed. However, it's not just that women have breasts and men don't, there are other differ-"

"We know. We already know about sex, the issue here is how to use it as a tool." Sasuke looked even more blank than usual, which probably – hopefully – meant he was uncomfortable about all this, just a bit. Sakura felt vindicated, and also relieved, because she was sure the facts of life would be excruciating to hear from Kakashi. He was still smiling that smile though, so the relief slid away all too fast.

"I'm glad to hear that, Sasuke. That means you're already prepared for your first assignment. Sakura, Naruto? Do you both feel ready?"

She didn't feel the slightest bit ready, but saying otherwise looked like it would end in a one-to-one lecture from Kakashi about sex, and _anything_ seemed better than that. She nodded stiffly and took the sheet of paper he offered her, unfolding it to discover her fate.

_Seduction – Assignment one. To be handed in within 24 hours._

_Please write, or otherwise give evidence of, everything you know about sexual behavior._

The rest of the paper was blank. She read it twice, blushing despite herself – though relieved too, not to be thrust into the more _practical_ aspects of seduction too soon – before looking up to find Kakashi gone. Great. She'd wanted to ask what the parameters of 'sexual behavior' were, but it was too late – she knew from experience that searching for Kakashi when he didn't want to be found never worked.

Neither of her teammates looked phased, so she couldn't complain to them, and no _way_ was she going to risk looking clueless in front of them. Even after all this time they sometimes treated her as weak, and she wasn't going to give them any reason to today. Anyway, she could always ask – oh wait, Ino was on a mission to Suna at the moment. Damn. This whole malarkey had just become rather more complicated.

#

Kakashi was spending a peaceful afternoon watching the newest crop of genin make fools of themselves in the training fields, and languidly flipping through an old copy of IchaIcha, when Sasuke arrived. He looked impatient, even more so than usual. Luckily, impatience made Sasuke less work for him, since, unlike Naruto, it spared him the need to talk much.

"I've done the assignment. Here." And, dropping a pile of scrolls, he exited. Yes, impatience was a virtue for Sasuke, where Kakashi was concerned at least.

The scrolls, he found, were mostly anatomy textbooks and records of Uchiha courting practices, along with a few historical treatises on marriage and a book about 'Your Changing Body' specifically designed for children. Rather dry, factual to the bare minimum, and completely one dimensional. How very Sasuke to complete an assignment to the letter, yet miss the real meaning.

At least he knew for sure now that Sasuke really didn't know anything about sexual behavior. When the kid had seemed so sure of himself, Kakashi had half wondered if he had some experience in this area after all (and it wasn't unimaginable, Sasuke was a teenaged boy with a fanclub of pretty girls after all).

It was nice to know he'd been right in assuming it was all bravado and underestimation of the subject material. But it was nicer still that the sun was shining, and that some kid had just got caught in his own trap. Thoughts about Sasuke could wait. Right now, he wanted to enjoy being sensei to relatively competent shinobi and having the afternoon off.

Kakashi settled back further into the cleft of branch he was wedged in, and returned to his reading.

The sky was darkening when he next looked up, blinking calmly up at the face above him. She seemed nervous, under the protective layers of determination and indignation. He had a feeling this would take longer than with Sasuke.

"Sakura. Fancy meeting you here. Have you completed your first assignment?" He kept his voice light, knowing that she was more vulnerable to self-doubt than the boys. It was useful, mostly, because it meant she didn't usually push past her limits, but in this field confidence was important. She would learn, in time, but he wasn't going to make it harder than necessary.

With a nod, she handed him a folded sheet of paper, before settling in on a branch a little above him. Interesting, that her embarrassment did not overcome her determination to learn, and learn thoroughly. She was certainly a pleasant student in that respect.

He suspected she would regret it this time though. He was pretty sure he knew what level her knowledge was at, but he should read over what she'd come up with anyway.

#

_Assignment one, Haruno Sakura_

_My knowledge of sexual behavior._

_I have learned about the physical processes of sex and some of the risks/results, in my work at the hospital. This has included work in the obstetrics department, and two cases of patient infertility. I have also dealt with an emergency involving a civilian man and half a cucumber, and am aware of both homosexual relations and masturbation._

_I have flirted, unsuccessfully, and have witnessed other girls behaving similarly with rather more luck. I am aware of the effects drink, provocative clothing, money, etc on sexual relations, but have no first-hand experience._

#

Well, that was a little more than he'd expected. Then again, he knew she'd done a lot of growing up at the hospital, and couldn't say he was surprised she'd run across some sexual knowledge on the way. She had been honest about her lack of ability in the area, and seemed reasonably clued up on the practicalities.

She wouldn't want him to tell her that though, she wanted to hear about how she could improve. He looked up at her again, small and fragile amongst the thick branches, and wondered what would be safe to say. As much as he would like to think otherwise, she wasn't ready for the emotional realities quite yet, as evidenced by the complete rationality in her writing.

"Well, you seem to be up to speed on the basics. It would also be wise to look into the psychology of sexual behavior as well though, as manipulating that is the key to seduction. You needn't write another report, just think on it or read a bit."

There. He hadn't insulted her pride, hadn't made her feel useless, and hadn't let everything become uncomfortably emotional. And there was a good chance she would realise on her own, soon enough, that it wasn't all biology and logic. Hopefully she would, anyway, because it was one of those things he couldn't teach, and he'd rather she didn't learn by trial and error.

Sakura started to respond, but it was getting late and he didn't want to be pulled into a conversation right now, especially not about 'sexual psychology'. It would only make him feel too old and wise, and he wouldn't be able to do anything useful for her.

So he smiled and bid her farewell quickly, heading home with a last glance at her silhouetted form against the twilight.

#

When he arrived back at his apartment, Kakashi was gratified to find that Naruto had already completed his assignment. A stack of IchaIcha copies lay on his doorstep, a simple note reading "_I proof-read for Ero-sennin"_ wedged into the top volume.

It looked like Naruto had top marks in something for once. He'd have to make a note of it in his mission report. First though, he should make it up to those poor books, having been left out in the cold for so long. It would only take a few hours to read through them anyway.

#

_First report._

_Team has taken on the challenge, led by Sasuke. Naruto appears to have the best working knowledge, Sasuke the worst. All three have a clear understanding of the physical act of copulation, at least between heterosexual couples. So far, all coping well emotionally; Naruto is by far the most relaxed (though he is also the most visible in his misgivings), while Sakura's past failings lower her confidence, and Sasuke hides all signs of unease behind a brisk manner. Sakura seems to be taking the course the most seriously, however I have had little direct contact with Naruto so his dedication is an unknown quantity. I suspect he will approach this subject with all his usual zeal._

_Current stress levels seem be slightly elevated, due to a mixture of nerves and embarrassment._

_None of the members of Team 7 are ready to take the exam at this point in time._

_Kakashi_

_

* * *

_

Sorry if points of view are changing too fast - it's not my normal style, but I'm trying it out because I don't want the story too focused on any individual character. Let me know if it's bothering you! (And any other feedback, reviews are espresso to my muse)


	3. Shopping

Ta-da! Part three is here at last. Enjoy!

* * *

For some reason, Naruto's clock chose that morning to stop working. Not in the usual, silent way. No, his clock just had to go and wake him at five in the morning with an incessant beeping that made his ears hurt. He'd bought it just for that shrill bleep, but when it wouldn't damn well _stop _he got annoyed.

Plus it had been designed for ninjas, so it didn't shatter when he hit it, or even when he threw it against the wall hard enough to crack the plaster. Eventually, he managed to beat it, by submerging it in boiling oil and setting light to the whole pan-full.

It messed up his pan, and the kitchen was full of smoke, but at least his sensitive ears were no longer being tortured.

Once the ringing in his head ceased, he put some ramen on. Not the instant stuff though, because Sakura had broken in one night and replaced it with 'healthy' ramen that took a whole ten minutes to cook. At least he could get dressed while he was waiting for it.

He went to check the time as he headed for the chair-back where most of his clothing was bundled, and swore. He'd just killed his only clock. How was he supposed to get his ramen cooked to perfection now?

In the end, he lost patience and ate his breakfast nearly raw, before heading over to the training grounds. When he arrived, everybody else was already there, even Kakashi, and nobody looked too pleased with him. Well, not that you could really tell with Kakashi.

"Dobe, you're even later than Kakashi. Did you have trouble finding your brain this morning?"

He didn't really think, just reacted to the snide tone in Sasuke's voice. "No, I was just boiling my clock and lost track of the time!"

It was only when Sakura started giggling that he realised what he'd said. Stupid Teme, making him sound a fool. "I mean my alarm clock was broken so I tried to stop it and it took ages and I had to boil it and burn it in oil before it would shut up and then it was broken so I didn't know what the time was and my ramen was all crunchy!"

It didn't help though. Sakura was positively howling now, holding one hand to her stomach and the other to her mouth in an effort to stop her laughter. He should look on the bright side though, a happy Sakura was better than an angry one, even if her punches had become less frequent of late.

"Right, now with that fascinating tale concluded, we can start. Your task today is again only short, but this time it'll be more than a paper exercise, and you'll be working more or less together." Sakura stopped laughing at this, he noticed, and her eyes flicked between himself and Sasuke nervously.

"As a team?" She squeaked, face flickering so fast between expressions he couldn't read them. Kakashi chuckled in a completely unreassuring manner.

"Not exactly. Tonight, you will infiltrate a bar, and observe the interactions of the civilians. You will need to prepare and blend in, and I will want a full report of your preparations, and of the events of the evening, by tomorrow lunchtime. Then tomorrow afternoon, we will discuss he information you have gathered, and you will receive your next assignment. Is that all clear? Good. Get going then, you'll need to be at the Burning Leaf by seven."

Great, nearly a whole day to kill. That would give him time to get a new clock, a decent breakfast of ramen at Ichiraku, and plenty spare for 'preparation'. That wouldn't be too hard, he could leave it till last. Though, he did owe a certain pervert a bit of revenge...maybe he'd prepare for the mission before his other errands.

#

Sakura _hated_ shopping. All her life, she'd been dragged out to buy new clothes either by her mother or Ino. She had never bought anything she really liked except her old genin dress – it was too small now anyway, and inappropriate for a civilian bar. Her boots were okay, but not feminine enough, and everything else in her wardrobe looked ridiculous. She slammed the door and glared at the dark wood, before stomping across the room and yanking a wodge of notes from under her pillow – nobody would check such an obvious hiding place, knowing she was a competent ninja.

She might hate shopping, but she'd be damned if she'd let the boys beat her tonight. Kunoichi work wasn't traditionally the specialty of female ninja for nothing.

Ten minutes later, she reached the first street of shops, bustling with life and market stalls. It was tempting to wander aimlessly and see if anything caught her eye, but Sakura knew from experience that it wouldn't. The only way to do this was to be methodical and look in every shop. Luckily, the first three shops she passed were inappropriate – weapons, groceries, and shoes.

Oh, wait. She'd be needing shoes too, wouldn't she. Steeling her nerves, she entered, confronted by row upon row of shiny leather and satin. They were mostly black, but she _had_ black boots, and she wanted to look feminine and harmless. She needed pink. Or green, to match her eyes. Predictably, she couldn't spot anything that would work – not even when she walked around and bent down to look at the lower shelves. There were green shoes, sure – but a dark blue-green leather in every case – and there were two pink pairs. One was too dark, and set on a ridiculously tiny point of a heel, and the other was too mauve, and squarey,and just plain ugly.

It wasn't until she was on her way out, dejected and irritated with the fashions, that a clerk approached her.

"Is there anything I can do to help, ma'am?" She nearly growled at the girl, but it was stupid – and illegal – to vent her anger on a civilian. She could just be polite and leave.

"No, thank you. I'm looking for something to match my hair, and there's nothing here that works." Sakura made to brush past, but the sales girl was stubborn and grabbed onto her arm. The don't-be-mean-to-civilians policy she had was slipping, but before she could snatch her arm away and storm out, the girl had pulled her over to a corner of the room with a pair of white shoes.

Not just any white shoes, a pair with a short heel, and leather straps which were clearly meant to be bound round the ankle. They were a lovely design – even irritated she could admit that – but white really didn't suit her.

"They're nice, but unless you do them in pink or green – the same shade as my eyes – I'm afraid I can't get them. They-"

"No, no," The girl interrupted "We have pink polish, it will stain them. We have a dark pink polish that will come out very like your hair, I think, and I am willing to try it and let you turn them down if it doesn't go. I you come back in, say, an hour, I can have them done for you. What do you say?"

Sakura gulped, oddly reminded of Ino, and checked the price tag. It wasn't impossible, but she still felt loth to go for the offer. She squashed the impulse to leave – escape, go home, curl up in bed – and nodded. "I'll be back for them in a bit then."

She couldn't bring herself to hang around in the shop any longer, but she was grinning as she made her escape to the street outside. She'd actually bought some clothes for once! Her face fell though as she turned to look at the endless row of shops before her. She still had a long way to go, but at least now she knew she _could_ do this, however uncomfortable it was.

The next shop was a boutique, filled with pretty dresses and bags. It looked repulsive, but it _was_ exactly what she needed, so she ducked inside. It wasn't until she'd browsed for nearly half an hour fruitlessly that he came across something she liked – and promptly left the place upon reading the price tag.

She repeated the experience at the next two shops, only it didn't take so long because she'd learned to check the prices before browsing. It was annoying to find how expensive civilian clothes seemed to be, but at least it meant she didn't have to actually try on too much.

She was exhausted by midday – though it made no sense that wandering up and down aisles and flicking through dresses was more tiring than training – and decided to get an early lunch. Besides, she had a voucher for Ichiraku that Naruto had given her ages ago, and she might as well use it. On top of that, Ichiraku was outside the main shopping district, so she could get _away _from all this fashion nonsense.

It was somehow unsurprising to see Naruto already there when she slid into her seat, waving the coupon at the serving girl with a tired grin that fell upon closer inspection of her companion. He looked well – not exhausted and irritated and all the rest of it – and he hadn't even noticed her, too busy shoveling his face with ramen. It was second nature to take out the burst of irritation on the back of his head.

He choked in a satisfying manner, staring round at her with first confusion, then happiness. It still made her uncomfortable that he could do that – look at her like she was nice and kind and a joy to behold, even though a moment before he'd been ready to get angry – like she was somehow tricking him.

"Sh'kr-chn!" He exclaimed, losing a noodle to the floor. She wrinkled her nose at his behavior, then smiled at last. She might be exhausted and irritated, but Naruto was always bouncy and bright. Even if he _was_ a disgusting slob with no manners.

"Hey, Naruto, how're your preparations going? God, I've had an aw- Miso please, just the one bowl - an awful time, shopping for girly shit." He didn't respond, too busy finishing off his bowl, so Sakura nodded thanks to the ramen girl and waited patiently for him to finish guzzling. It only took him a few moments anyway.

"It's all good. I paid a visit to ero-sennin and got funds, and I've got an awesome new clock. Wanna see?" She raised a brow and nodded.

The clock met her expectations – it was ridiculous. More than ridiculous, it was a bright green metal frog, with an improbably large clock wedged between its lips. She couldn't imagine where would sell such a thing, but many of Naruto's possessions had that one-of-a-kind quality – only not in a good way. But he looked delighted with it, so she smiled gamely.

"Hopefully you won't have to boil him any time soon then." She handed it back as her meal arrived, and Naruto grinned at her, ever expressive. "Nah, this one comes with a guarantee for five years! Plus, the alarm can be stopped by wedging something in the bell if it refuses to stop. Anyway, what's so awful about shopping? I thought girls liked that kind of thing."

Sakura paused and glared at him. "Don't be so sexist. Not _every_ girl likes shopping, and I'm hardly some civilian twit. But yeah....it's just hard to find things that fit, look good, and don't cost twice my entire budget. I've been out here for _hours_, and I've only managed to get a pair of sho- Shit." She hasn't picked them up. It was supposed to be an hour, and she'd been, what – three times that?

With a quick look at her near-full bowl of ramen and Naruto's concerned face, she made up her mind. Slapping her purse on the countertop next to the frog-clock, she pulled the most helpless, wide-eyed face she could muster. "Naruto, could you please – please please please – run to the shoe shop at the end of the street, the one with the market, and pick up a pair of pink shoes for me? I was meant to get them earlier and I forgot..."

She didn't even have to finish the damsel-in-distress act, he was off like a flash with a call of "No problem!" over his shoulder. Sakura grinned into her ramen and carried on eating. Having a friend like Naruto was great at a time like this – he managed to reverse her bad moods and never inflicted his upon her. Then she noticed something and sighed, exasperation taking over. He'd forgotten her purse, and no doubt he would refuse to let her pay, being mistakenly gentlemanly. Never mind, he could always just force the money she owed him down his top and run if necessary.

He was back before she had finished eating, an enormous carrier bag in his hand and a smug grin on his face. Sakura frowned, instantly suspicious at his expression. "What did you do now?"

"Nothing! Well, not much. Just they showed me a matching bag thing, so I got that for you too. It's all the same colour as your hair, so it should look alright, right?" Sakura grabbed the bag from him and peered in, wondering how in hell she was going to afford something like this. It was a nice gesture, she could admit, but in reality her budget wasn't supposed to include little satin bags that could barely hold a kunai. It was pretty, and it would look nice, but she just couldn't damn well _afford_ such things.

"Naruto, that...that's very kind of you, but. Well, I can't afford it. And no, you're not giving it to me, I know you don't earn any more than I do." It was a shame, but she wasn't going to leave Naruto skint for something she didn't really need. It would feel too much like she was taking advantage of him – because he would _always_ spend money on her rather than himself, and he never got anything back from it. She glared when he shook his head, but it didn't deter him.

"It's okay, really- no, listen! I got this money from Jiraiya. And he owes me waaaay more than I took, so it's not going to clean me out or anything. I'm rich right now, and he's more likely to forgive me buying you nice clothes and stuff than if I just got pissed on it." The logic made her head hurt, so she turned back to slurp up the last of her ramen. When she looked up again, it was almost disappointing to see Naruto still there, wearing an I-just-won-this-argument look. She opened her mouth to dispell the notion, but he cut across her.

"And now you're done, we can go get the rest of this girly stuff. Come on, we'll go find you a dress or whatever that you really like. I'll help you choose, if you want!"

She felt like a bitch for giving in, but the look on his face was too much for her. "Pervert. You just want to peek at me changing." She muttered. He just shrugged and shoved the frog-monstrosity into the carrier bag, before grabbing her arm and yanking her back towards the shopping district.

Sakura sighed, half-smiled, and let him lead her. It wasn't like she had any choice – once Naruto got an idea in his head, nothing would stop him. It was better just to give in and enjoy the benefits.

* * *

I'm wondering if I should drop the 'humor' classification, and maybe change it to 'drama'. What do you think? And yes, I know there hasn't been much Sasuke yet, just be patient. He'll have his moment soon enough!


	4. Nightlife

Here's the next installment, and finally some Sasuke for everybody. I wanted to say a big THANK YOU to everybody who alerted and faved, I'm amazed so many of you like it. I must gripe though - if you like it so much, why aren't you reviewing? I'd love to hear what you like about this fic, as I've no idea why it's been this popular.

Anyway, enough chat. Enjoy the chapter!

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Bars, Sasuke thought, were one of the most irritating places one could spend an evening. They were full of noise, and people, and there wasn't enough light, and worst of all he had less than half his normal arsenal of weaponry with him. He felt naked without his headband and a kunai pouch on his leg. The scent of alcohol wafted from the interior, and he fought the urge to wrinkle his nose.

Alcohol dulled both mind and senses, and with his chakra too low to risk even a minor jutsu, he could do without the impediment tonight. Anyway, he wouldn't normally be seen dead somewhere like this, so civilian and compromising to his abilities. But a mission was a mission (and yes, he was treating this like a mission, so it counted), and this was hardly the most dangerous he'd ever been assigned. His teammates were late as well, which was irritating. Kakashi he was used to, but then today Naruto had been late, and now Sakura too?

Someone pushed past him as he stood in the doorway, and he reluctantly moved inside. He felt more comfortable with a clear exit, but it was starting to attract attention which he could do without. Already, some girls in one corner were eying him like some expensive fashion accessory.

He headed to the bar to get out of their line of sight, pulling the hooded jacket he'd bought a little further over his face. Faced by rows and rows of alcohol Sasuke managed (barely) to avoid wrinkling his nose, and ordered tonic. He watched to make sure nothing was added or altered, and wondered why everybody around seemed so relaxed. Surely even civilians could see the potential for poisoning in this situation...but apparently not.

Another woman glanced at him, and he retreated to the furthest corner of the room. Not close enough to the entry for comfort, but there was a window just along the wall (set back into the thick wall deep enough that nobody from outside would be able to see him) and the walls behind him kept his back safe. He could see the door, and nearly everybody in the place from here, so it was the best spot to wait at.

Eventually, several long minutes later, his tardy teammates turned up. Naruto stepped in, spotting him almost immediately (did he stick out _that_ much from the crowd?) and waving before stepping forward to make space. And then his _other_ teammate arrived. And good god, did she look different.

She was dressed from head to toe (not that he could see her feet from here, but still) in pale pink, in shimmery cloth and makeup that matched her hair disturbingly well. And her dress was....fitted to her form. Clingy.

When she grinned over at him, and the pair walked up to the bar to order drinks, he realised she was wearing heels too, and managed not to stare at her legs. He'd never looked at her like that, and he wasn't about to start now. Not now she'd finally got over him and become one of the few people he could really call friends, not when he was doing fine without any of that relationship nonsense. Definitely not when they would probably be doing indecent things with strangers within a few weeks.

Instead he looked at the door again, and watched a group of young men wander through, chatting and laughing freely. Normal civilian guys in shirts and trousers, somehow different from him and Naruto despite the fact both of them were in similar clothes. Something about the stance Naruto held, even as he chatted to the bar tender, the line of muscles in his shoulders and the grace with which he moved. Sasuke wondered if he looked different in the same way, and carefully slouched, just in case somebody noticed.

He still felt completely separate from the oblivious throng around him, but he doubted anybody but his teammates would be able to spot his discomfort.

At last, Naruto and Sakura arrived, and he realised he hadn't actually drunk anything yet as the Dobe raised his glass in a toast. "To teammates! And a good night's work." Trust the idiot to be so blatant about it. But then again, these civilians were excruciatingly dim, so they probably wouldn't notice anything. He saw Sakura roll her eyes in exasperation even as he raised his own glass, then took a sip.

It tasted sickeningly sweet, but he was able to cope with it for the sake of the task ahead. Blending in was important. He kept that in mind as the other two sat on either side of him (conveniently forgetting that he didn't like his exits blocked), and just barely managed to grin at them, in what he hoped was an inane manner.

Sakura looked shocked, and actually reached out to pinch his lips together. "What on _earth_ Sasuke?" Maybe grinning wasn't the way to go then. He shrugged, not dignifying the question with a response. She looked like she was going to ask again, raising one eyebrow (and was that _eyeshadow_ she was wearing?) and opening gloss-coated lips, but Naruto cut across.

"So, what did we miss?"

He considered a moment, mentally replaying the minutes he'd been here in detail, before replying. "Not much. Some girls were eying me, but I was waiting for you two rather than focusing on anybody else." One of them was still watching him, a curly-haired brunette with a khaki military mini dress thing on. It looked absurd, clearly not designed for actual combat, and it took a concerted effort to prevent the distaste he felt showing on his face.

Instead he managed to smile slightly, before looking away immediately, to make sure she didn't get the wrong impression and think he was actually interested. It didn't have the intended effect though, as she got up and sashayed over to their table, bending down and flashing cleavage as she smiled brightly at him. He leaned slightly towards Sakura for protection, hoping the newcomer might think he was spoken for and back off, but it was clearly too subtle for a civilian to notice.

"Hello," She murmured, voice low despite the loud background noise "I haven't seen you guys here before. Are you new in town?" Sasuke was still trying to think up a cordial (or at least civil) response when Naruto spoke up, one of his most guileless grins firmly in place.

"Just passing through, on holiday. We're traveling across the continent, stopping at each capital on our gap year. We only arrived here yesterday!" Well, moron was good for some things, he supposed. Years on the road with Jiraiya, the village's best spy, must have left him with a good deal of knowledge on the subject, even if it was only gained through osmosis. Even if he hardly ever displayed this kind of practiced social grace the rest of the time.

He didn't listen as the two fell into easy conversation, not wanting to join in and draw attention to himself. Even so, he could feel Naruto's arms moving as he gesticulated, could see the smile the girl kept flashing back. Sasuke frowned, and concentrated his attention on a couple standing at the bar – the girl probably too young to be in a place like this (though he wasn't too sure about civilian drinking laws. They were based on age, but how did years alive qualify anybody to drink?) and the man at her side holding her close with an arm round her waist.

Would Kakashi want observations like that in the report? Or was it too obvious that men tended to be possessive of their partners? He might as well put it in, details were everything, and he had a good memory for them. In fact, looking closer, the girl looked uncomfortable. Not trying to escape from the grasp at her waist, but hunching into her shoulders and staring at the ground. It was definitely worth noting.

Anything was more worthy of his attention than the way the uninvited guest to their table kept laughing. How Naruto put up with the sickening sound he didn't know, but he appeared to be managing fine. The idiot was even laughing himself, the familiar sound intertwining irritatingly with the girl's higher pitch. It made his fingers curl as if to throw a weapon, and he scowled at the reminder of his missing kunai pouch.

He caught Sakura' eye and blinked at the amusement on her face, before returning his gaze to the bar to look for more useful information. It was going to be a long night.

#

It was all going surprisingly well. Not only did Sakura look gorgeous, as he'd known she would, but Sasuke looked like a civilian too! A grumpy asshole, albeit, but it was a good enough cover.

They hadn't even had to try to approach anybody subtly, since a girl – Kanami, she said she was – had come to them first. Probably mostly due to Sasuke's prettiness, but the reason wasn't important. Even though the Teme clearly didn't deserve the attention.

She was nice enough though, and hadn't just drooled over the bastard, hadn't even payed him much attention since he'd started staring off at the bar. She was even kind of fun to talk to, compared to the girls he was used to in places like this. That, and she didn't smell of sex or drugs, just alcohol, which was a nice change.

"So yeah, we're not sure where to stay. Anywhere you'd recommend?" He asked, just to keep up the image. He hadn't meant to spin such a big tale, but Kanami was no ninja, and she was swallowing it all easily. That, or he was getting better at the whole 'lying to women' stuff.

He'd leave that thought out of his report though, since Sakura wouldn't be impressed if she ever found out, and he had a suspicion Kakashi intended to make them all share. He had no desire to make Sakura angry after the afternoon with her had gone so well.

Kanami fluttered her eyelashes, and smiled wickedly "Well, I have a bed, but it only takes one extra..." He laughed before it could get past a joke, though he was sure by her tone that she'd meant it. Turning people down wasn't a good move tonight, but he wasn't interested in the offer.

Luckily, she caught on. "Nah, I'm not the type to take a guy home like that. There's a hotel just a couple of minutes away, just head up towards the Hokage monument, and it's on your left. I'll show you later if you want." Her smile never wavered, and he nodded, relieved. He didn't like hurting people's feelings, especially not tipsy girls.

Some girls in the background were waving over at their table, and Naruto nodded to them. "Your friends look like they miss you."

She glanced over her shoulder at them, before turning her gaze guiltily to Sasuke. Probably she was supposed to be dragging him over to her friends' table, or chatting him up, or something. He felt kind of smug at having distracted her, but it would probably be better to take the Teme along so he wouldn't keep crowding Sakura.

Naruto had spent all afternoon making her look irresistible, perfect. He'd done a good job of it too, and he could see guys looking at her. It wouldn't do to have her look like she was taken by either of them.

Kanami looked like she was about to retreat, so he touched her arm gently and grinned his most 'charming' grin. That's what Jiraiya had called it anyway. "Hey, how about you introduce us? Teme here doesn't talk much, but he needs to learn."

Sasuke glared at him, but given the situation he couldn't really refuse. Naruto only barely managed to keep a smirk off his face, he loved cornering the bastard. "Come on. See you in a bit, Sakura!" He grabbed Sasuke's elbow, winked at Sakura's raised brow, and dragged his teammate off after Kanami.

This evening was turning out to be the most fun he'd had with his team in...well forever. Outside of a good spar, anyway. Maybe it was just because he was in charge for once, maybe it was the abundance of pretty not-whores, and Sakura in clothes he had chosen for her. And having Sasuke seething silently at his elbow was definitely a bonus.

But fun or not, he was going to produce a good report on the night. If they really did have to share them tomorrow, his teammates would need a good example to compare theirs to. Because tonight was proving beyond doubt that they were clueless when it came to this stuff.

Who would have guessed he'd ever be grateful to Jiraiya for being such a pervert all these years.

* * *

I'll try to update soon, but life is busier than usual at the mo...but I love you guys, so I'll do my best!


	5. Reporting

Um...I don't really have an excuse for the super late update. But I hope you enjoy it anyway!

* * *

Morning dawned bright and crisp, just beyond spring but not yet muggy with the summer storms. Kakashi was up immediately, leaning out of his window to bask in the light. It was good to take notice of life's simple pleasures, and he made a habit of always noticing his surroundings, pleasant or not.

It only took him a few moments to dress, grab some dried meat, and head out to the memorial.

All was still and quiet when he arrived, the same as the day before, except for a new posy of white carnations. The grass was still damp, so he stood rather than kneeling, and stared sightlessly at the dark granite.

As always, visions of his past flitted before his eyes, along with vague thoughts about the present and future. The parallels of his team now and then were somewhat disturbing, and it took an effort of will to make his mind focus.

Of course, he didn't know what had happened last night, apart from a quick check on each of his students' houses he'd made before he headed for bed. They'd all been there, but that didn't stop him from worrying about them. Well, about Sasuke and Sakura.

Sasuke was too like himself, unable to admit who he liked unless under extreme pressure. He tended to bottle things up and fall into denial if he perceived his feelings as weaknesses. It seemed unlikely he would escape unscathed, and it would be harder to protect him than Sakura.

She needed protecting too, but Sakura had a much better sense of herself, a stronger core than Sasuke. Not that it was surprising, given the stability in her childhood compared to, well, most ninja. But that same protection made her weak in another way, the same as being a medic had made it harder for her to cope with pain.

Kakashi knew she would heal, but her protected lifestyle had made her vulnerable, and he didn't want the soft, gentle part of her to get hurt.

He didn't want things to go as his childhood team had, with such silence on all sides, nothing said until it was too late. And though he couldn't protect them perfectly, he could at least try to help them. After all, that was his job as sensei.

At least he didn't have to worry about Naruto, given the years the brat had spent with Jiraiya. He'd probably be worried about his teammates too, and Kakashi knew who the kid spilled his troubles to. He'd have to visit Iruka some time soon.

#

Sasuke usually liked mornings, at least enough to get up each day. Mornings were the best time to train, the most productive time. Today, though, the thought of meeting up with his teammates and comparing notes on the evening had kept him in bed until the last possible minute. Even with that, he was still the first one to arrive at the training grounds.

He waited impatiently at their bridge, not wanting to be left alone with his thoughts. There was no point replaying the previous night over and over when he'd be reporting on it in a short enough while.

Still, it was hard not to, when he had his report in one hand and a sense that it wasn't good enough alongside it. Not that the evening had been a failure, exactly, but it certainly could have gone better. And, though he'd been careful to keep any hint of this particular thought out of his report, it had been slightly galling to see Naruto (the idiot, deadlast, clumsy, perverted midget) get more attention than he had.

It was bad enough that Naruto was almost strong enough to go toe-to-toe with him in combat, but to breeze through an evening so easily was just irritating. Sasuke didn't want the attention for himself, he was sure of that, but something about all those girls almost drooling over his dumb fool teammate had been almost intolerable. Even worse, the Dobe would probably crow about it today, as if it was a _good_ thing to be pawed over by idiot civilian bints they'd been lying to all night.

A noise in the distance suddenly brought him to fully focus on his surroundings. Familiar footsteps, quick and light, hurrying just a little. Sakura.

Well, at least it wasn't Naruto. Sakura had hardly been around last night, staying at their original table rather than coming over to join in the conversation at the civilians' table. She had clearly had enough sense to stay away from such a mind-numbing group, though he wasn't sure what she'd done instead. He'd checked and seen her talking to a man once, but she'd looked composed (and after all, it was what was supposed to happen on a mission like this) so he hadn't intervened. It had to be better than talking about hair and gossiping anyway (and god, was he glad he'd at least had intelligent fangirls when they were younger).

She jogged into view, back in sensible clothing (and what _had_ that get up last night been for? He knew they were meant to be civilians, but still...) and wearing a tired smile. "G'morning! Sleep well?"

He shrugged and hummed an indistinct reply, knowing from experience that responding would just encourage her. Just as she had learned over the years not to be fazed by his lack of response. It was a good routine, if slightly redundant now she'd grown up and stopped hanging onto his every word. Instead of bothering him, she sat by his feet, dangling her legs toward the water and absentmindedly picking at the peeling red paint.

It was calm like this, but not for long.

Naruto's footsteps intruded upon the peace, followed by cheerfully shouted greetings to each of them. Of course, the idiot was the only one of them to look completely awake, what with his full chakra reserves, and demonic energy always keeping his body in perfect condition.

Sasuke wouldn't trade his sharingan for an ancient, sentient mountain of chakra, but sometimes he wondered what it must be like to be so very resilient to exhaustion and injury.

"So, Sakura-chan, score any hot boys?" He wouldn't trade places with Naruto anyway, what with the pitiful control the Dobe had over his facial expressions (and really, why did he ask questions like that when it was so obvious he would be hurt if she answered 'yes'?)

"You'll find out soon enough Naruto, the whole evening is in my report. Well...what I could remember." She blushed at that, and he caught himself staring for a moment. Naruto was, predictably, even more obvious. He didn't even wait to see if she was going to qualify the statement, just went into full-blown panic mode.

"What the hell Sakura-chan, did you drink or something? Did, ohgod did someone spike your drink? Are you alright?" Naruto squawked, earning a glancing blow to the leg from an irate Sakura.

"_No_ you idiot, I just had a lot on, and I talked a lot, and it was quite a long time to be keeping track of. I didn't drink anything but pineapple juice, and no civilian could ever slip something into my drink without me noticing. I just meant I wasn't keeping careful track – I was having _fun_ instead. Okay?" Well, that was oddly touchy of her, but then again Naruto had set the precedent for unreasonable reactions. Sasuke had a horrible suspicion the entire day would go on like this, unable to reach anything approaching sensible behavior now Naruto had started them off on such a puerile mode of communication.

His expectations were met, unfortunately, when Naruto started recounting the evening with maximal gesticulation and minimum accuracy. And anyway, they were going to go over all of this in their reports in just a moment, why did the idiot need to talk about it now? It wasn't a difficult situation to remedy though, and it was quite a relief to push Naruto into the river below.

There were a few moments of relative calm while Sakura stared at him and Naruto spluttered below them. "What the hell Teme? What did I do to you this time?"

"You were being a pain." He didn't feel the need to explain further. It would just waste time and breath, and he could feel a headache coming on. Some days, his teammates were absolute pests. Sasuke managed to tune Naruto out for the next few minutes though, which helped somewhat with the pounding threatening behind his eyes. He could cope with them anyway, he'd been getting headaches ever since twelve when his sharingan first activated (and of course, it had been Naruto's fault then too).

The rhythmic pain building in his skull almost drowned out the brief whooshing sound before Kakashi appeared in a flurry of leaves, smiling down at them and knocking flakes of red paint into the water below them. "Morning kiddies!"

Oddly, nobody bothered to shout anything stupid or obvious (not that he missed the usual chorus of 'you're _late_' piercing the relative peace in the slightest). Kakashi didn't seem to notice though, and simply jumped down. "So, brats. Who's going to report first?" he asked.

"I will" After all, Sasuke didn't want the Dobe getting the first word in when it would probably be completely inaccurate. Better for Kakashi to have an idea of the facts before the others made their reports.

_Assignment Two._

_I was the first to arrive at the appointed location, and secured seating with a strategic advantage without arousing suspicion. My teammates were both a little late, but it did not compromise us, and soon I was approached by a civilian girl. Naruto and I made conversation with her, remaining under cover, and eventually were introduced to several of her companions. Sakura remained at the original table, while we moved to the civilians' table._

_In the course of the evening I noted the following:the body language used by couples, during both harmonious or fractious interactions; various modes of interaction between single women and men (both from experience and observation), and the peculiar way groups of women behave when trying to attract male attention as individuals._

He paused at the tilt of Kakashi's head "I've got details of the evening written out. Shall I go over them now, or leave them with you?"

"I'll read them later, thanks Sasuke. Right now, I think we should move on to Sakura's report of the evening, since you seem to have separated quite early on." Sasuke nodded and handed over his assignment without comment. It was irritating that Naruto would get a chance to waffle on and on before Kakashi had all the facts straight, but it was important to keep concise (that, and he didn't enjoy reading aloud when the written word was so much more straightforward. Spoken words could be misinterpreted too easily).

Sakura cleared her throat, and blushed a little, making him hide a frown. She really didn't seem herself this morning. It wasn't just the blushing, it was...something in the way she held herself. Like she was still wearing those shoes, even though she was back in her normal clothes.

"Right. I prepared for the mission with Naruto's help, wearing a pink satin dress, makeup, and heels. I noticed the difference in the way I was treated immediately, even before we reached Sasuke's table. Once we'd settled in and the boys had moved off to another table with a civilian girl, I returned to the bar and was approached by a civilian offering to buy me a drink. We spent a while talking at the bar, but I returned to my own table as he was becoming intoxicated and just a bit too forward. Then-"

"Wait, what's a 'bit' too forward?" He hadn't been intending to speak up, but it was disturbing. He hadn't even realised she'd left their table while he and Naruto had been making conversation with the civilian bimbos. To have left her so poorly protected was bad form, but that she'd needed their help and he'd been too busy trying to avoid some fake-tanned idiots to notice was downright shameful.

"Oh, nothing much. He was just leaning over towards me and kept touching my arms and face and stuff. But anyway, when I was back at our table, I got talking to a couple of other guys, who were more sober, and more interesting anyway. The three of us talked for a while – of course, I presented myself as a civilian – and then one had to leave, so I had a chance to experience flirting in a, uh, reciprocal situation. It didn't lead to anything much though, beyond a request on his part to meet me there again at some point."

He managed to refrain from speaking up this time. There was nothing to say really, except to ask if she _did_ plan to meet this civilian again, and he didn't need to know. It wasn't his business. At least she was finished now, looking over to Kakashi for approval (and why did she do that still? Why was she so dependent on the approval of others?) There was a moment of silence where it seemed nobody was willing to open their mouths lest something slip out unintended. But then Kakashi nodded, Sakura relaxed, and Sasuke let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.

"Good. It sounds like you learned a great deal. Naruto, your turn." Kakashi turned to Naruto, who had so far been oddly quiet. Though by the looks of it, it was probably because the Dobe would explode if he opened his mouth, even for a split second. He was nearly vibrating with energy. When he spoke, it came out in a rush, like an excitable puppy:

"Well first of all I got a bunch of cash from Ero-sennin, and bought myself some civvies. And a new clock, which is awesome! But yeah, then I had lunch and Sakura-chan found me and I picked up her shoes and helped her pick out girly stuff, which took _all_ day.

"Then when she was all ready and everything, we headed out to meet up with Teme, and I got drinks. A girl called Kanami came over and we said we were just traveling through, and then we went and chatted to her and some of her friends.

"She invited me back to her place, but I turned her down 'cause she was kinda tipsy and, y'know. It's not like she actually knew anything about me. But anyway, I spent the evening talking to them, and Sasuke actually spoke maybe two sentences too, mainly when nobody was listening. When Sakura's guy left I thought we should call it a night and we all headed off saying we were going to find a hotel before we all closed.

"I didn't learn much new, 'cause I already knew Sasuke's an asshole with silence issues, and Sakura didn't seem to want watching over. The girls were fun, but it wasn't really anything new, just a few drinks and some conversation. So yeah...that's it, everything that happened. Am I the best at this stuff or what?"

Finally, at long last, Naruto was finished. Sasuke carefully un-gritted his teeth, and glared at the idiot's grin. Typically, Naruto didn't even notice.

"Very well. Have you made a written record of any of this, Naruto?" Naruto's face fell slightly, switching from gloating to sheepish under Kakashi's one-eyed stare.

"Noo, not yet...but I've got till lunchtime, right?" And with Kakashi's nod the grin was back full force. "No problem then!" With a quick seal and a 'poof' of displaced air, another Naruto appeared on the bridge, before striding away with a wave. It was irritating (not that Naruto being irritating was anything new) that he wasted his chakra so gratuitously, but Sasuke had to admit the technique was useful. He'd never been able to bring himself to learn it though, because he just _knew_ the idiot would go on and on about it, like it proved something.

"Anyway," Kakashi broke into Sasuke's thoughts with a smile and a small wave of his hand, "seeing as you all seem to have completed the last task, we're going to step it up a little. The last was observation, this time you'll need to use what you've learned in the real world. You've got a specific goal, and three days to complete this task as individuals...you need to persuade someone to kiss you."

Predictably, all hell broke loose.

* * *

There. It's a little longer than usual, but I have a feeling that won't make up for the lateness much...let me know what you think, feedback makes my world go round!


	6. Scheming

Okay, this is unforgivably late. I would flog myself in punishment, but it would only slow me down even more. On the up side, I have a solution to my update woes - I'm now officially looking for a beta. If you want to read the chapters in advance, kick my backside when I'm too slow, and talk plot devices, let me know!

I won't make you wait longer though. Here's the 6th chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

"But that's _wrong_! We can't just go around kissing people, especially not civilians. That's illegal, it's like rape or something! We-"

"But Sensei, it's not _fair_, Sasuke's at an advantage because he's got all those weird girls stalking him!" Naruto's voice cut across Sakura's more reasonable objection with an irritatingly whiny undertone, and she reached out to slap him round the head to remind him to keep _quiet_. She missed though, and retreated to her place against the railings as Kakashi held up a hand for silence.

"Let me clarify. You need to _persuade_ someone to _want_ it, you can't just ambush someone with your mouth -" She swore that was an eye-roll he'd just given, though he didn't _sound_ mocking "- you will have to use tactics that you have observed or already know, to encourage someone to let you, or to get them to make the first move. Oh, and I'm sure you already realised, but you are not to tell anybody that it is an assignment, as that might influence their actions. They have to think you mean it."

"But-"

"It doesn't matter if somebody has an advantage. Different individuals have different aptitudes, and you have to learn to compensate for your weaknesses, Naruto."

"But-"

"Isn't that deception, sensei? Like, pretending to like someone, leading them on...isn't that bad?" Definitely an eye-roll that time.

"Sakura, you're not learning this so you can have a relationship, this is all about manipulation. That's the point of this training, to-"

"But-" This time Naruto didn't dodge the slap to his head, coming unexpectedly from Kakashi.

"No more questions, that's all you need to know. You can all go." And with that pronouncement, Kakashi disappeared. Naruto had finally shut up, though he was still pouting unbecomingly. Really, it was weird how he could grow so much as a ninja, and yet still be the same kid as at seven, when they'd first met at the academy. Sasuke, on the other side of her, grunted before starting to walk away. His stance was stiffer than usual – probably he wasn't any happier about this assignment than herself or Naruto, but he would never admit it.

Still, this wasn't the moment to be contemplating Sasuke's stick-in-the-arse attitude. Now she needed to work out how in _hell_ she was going to get kissed in three days, when she'd never been approached by a guy in her life. Well, barring last night, which she was still having trouble believing. Maybe it was just a civilian thing, to be so keen – shinobi were taught to hide their emotions, so it did make sense really.

In fact, thinking on that front, maybe her best bet would be to continue where she'd left off with that guy from last night – the sandy haired one whose name she couldn't remember suddenly. Dammit. Trying to replay the evening mentally, Sakura ran through the names. Jiro was the first man who had approached her, then...what _were_ their names? Tatsu and...Akio! That was it. He'd been interested, and not too bad looking either, in a soft merchant boy way.

She just hoped he was a regular at the pub – three days didn't give her much time to wait around. She'd give it two nights, and then Ino was due back so if she still hadn't managed to achieve her objective she could call in the cavalry, so to speak. She'd rather manage this alone though – Ino was a hell of a lot more nosy than Sakura would have liked, and it would be hard to appease her curiosity at the sudden change in her friend's behavior.

God. That meant she'd have to buy even _more_ clothes. Good mood evaporated, she glowered briefly at the world in general before stopping again at Naruto's pout. It was tempting to seek his help again – he seemed oddly good at this girly stuff – but somehow she didn't feel it was right. Maybe it was just because this mission was solo, but she didn't feel like getting help or divulging her plan.

No, she could do this alone.

#

Naruto was officially in a snit. Not only had Kakashi-sensei shut him up repeatedly, but both his teammates were ignoring him! With Sasuke, it was pretty much to be expected, but Sakura had just run off without saying goodbye too.

No use brooding though, he needed a plan. And lunch. Some ramen would cheer him up and give him time to think out a brilliant plan for seducing a pretty girl. He grinned, already imagining the delicious taste of pork ramen as he set off at top speed.

He was the only one at the stall at this time of day, but he'd got up early to train this morning with the help of his new alarm clock, so he deserved an early lunch. Old man Teiuchi would probably be pleased to have him now rather than later when he had other people to tend to anyway, and it was always nice to please people.

As expected, he received a grin as he arrived, along with a wave from Ayame in the background. "Good morning Naruto, you're certainly here early today...or is this a late breakfast?"

"Hey! I'm no slouch, this is lunch. I've been up training all morning, and I'm _hungry_! Pork ramen, double please!" He drew up a stool and leaned on his elbows to watch as Ayame chuckled and turned her back on him to chop the meat. It looked delicious.

For that matter, Ayame herself didn't look too bad, maybe she could be persuaded to kiss him? But one glance at the suddenly suspicious gaze of her father was enough to put paid to that thought. He grinned to cover up the moment. "I've got a mission, top secret stuff. It's gonna take a lot of planning, so I need the extra energy for my brain."

Suspicion averted, Teiuchi nodded and turned away to the stove, leaving Naruto to his own devices. He hadn't been lying about the planning, even if this wasn't really a mission, and he needed a really good strategy or he'd get beaten by Sasuke with his stupid looks and fan club.

It would have to be someone his age or younger, or they'd most likely recognise and hate him on sight. And kissing someone younger just seemed wrong. Anyway, the only younger girl he knew was Moegi, and that was just disgusting. Plus Konohamaru totally had a crush on her, the weirdo.

No, it would have to be one of his classmates. Eew. His nose wrinkled at the thought of them as he remembered all the high voices and brush offs and teasing he'd endured from them, back at the academy. But Sakura wasn't anywhere near as mean now as she had been, so maybe the others had got nicer too. But who in his class had graduated? After all, he didn't want to risk kissing an underage civilian by accident.

Ino had, he remembered that from her fight with Sakura back when they first took the chuunin exams. And...Hinata? Oh yeah, she'd got beaten by Neji, which was why he'd had to flatten the jerk's face in the final rounds.

He couldn't go after her, or he'd have the whole Hyuuga clan after him for defiling their precious heiress. And Ino...well, she was loud and obnoxious, but she and Sakura were friends again now, so she must be alright. He might as well try her, and if that failed he might try getting Hinata away from the watchful eyes of her family.

So, how should he approach- "Naruto, is there something wrong with your food?" He blinked up at Ayame in surprise, startled from his scheming. Oh, ramen! He must have been thinking very hard to have missed the arrival of such a huge, gorgeous bowlful.

"Uh, sorry," He grinned and scratched his head, embarrassed. "I didn't mean to, I've just got a lot of planning to do for my mission. The ramen's great as always!" And to prove it, he gulped down his bowlful at record speed.

Unfortunately, that meant it was all gone, and he gazed mournfully at his empty bowl for a moment, wondering if he could convince the old man to give him one on the house. He could always buy another, he supposed, but he had a feeling he might need the cash for getting Ino interested. With a sigh, he decided he should probably just wait on ramen for now.

He paid and left at a jog, but stopped almost immediately. Where the hell did Ino live?

Nowhere near him, he was sure, or he'd have seen her. But that still left most of Konoha, and it would be embarrassingly civilian to go around knocking on doors and asking. Hmm...she went to that barbecue place with her team sometimes, he knew that much. Maybe he could stalk her home from there? Though he probably couldn't beat her sensei at stealth. No stalking then.

The only other option he could think of was Sakura. She and Ino hung out, so she must know where the girl lived. Brilliant, he'd just ask her. It'd save him time and he might even be able to get tips on how to make himself seem atractive to her.

Problem solved, he jogged off again, only to stop a few steps later. People were staring now, he could feel it. However, something more important had come to mind.

He had no idea where Sakura had run off to.

#

"THERE you are!"

Sakura started violently and knocked over her neatly folded pile of clothes, hand drawn back to strike. Then recognition set in and she growled – she should have known only her teammates could get under her guard like that, so used to their presence she'd become.

"What the hell are you doing in here? This is the _girl's_ fitting room!" Even as the words left her mouth, she realised what she was wearing, and closed the curtain he'd swept aside with a squeak. "Pervert!"

She ignored Naruto's whinging and turned to look at the mirror once more. It wasn't so bad really, she reassured herself, she was covered where it counted. But her breasts were a bit on the small side for this 'strapless' malarkey, and she didn't trust it not to fall down. She tried bouncing on her toes a little, and amazingly, everything stayed in place. And the green _did_ bring out her eyes. She could always glue it on if need be.

She bit her lip in indecision for a moment before turning and opening the curtain again to a dejected Naruto. "Well? What do you think of it?" She turned to let him see the slit up the left leg and glared lest he decided to leer. He did, a little, and then looked apologetic.

"It's good! Doesn't look very secure...what's it for, anyway?"

"The assignment, of course. Do you really think anything else could persuade me to go clothes shopping _again_ in the same week?" He nodded thoughtfully, then grinned.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be able to get any guy in that. Just be careful not to let it fall off, or you might end up getting more than you bargained for, if you know what I mean." He waggled his eyebrows at the end and she sloshed him with one hand and another mutter of "pervert"

She ducked back behind the curtain again and changed swiftly back into her normal clothes. She may not look as feminine like this, but damn if she didn't feel more comfortable – there was the weight of weaponry at her thigh, stretch in the cloth so she could move freely, and no cold draft at crotch height.

Walking out with the dress under one arm, she headed for the till, with Naruto trailing behind. What was he even doing, traipsing around after her? He couldn't be expecting a kiss from _her_. That would ruin the point of the whole exercise! "Why did you need to find me anyway?" She tossed over her shoulder as she wove through racks of clothing.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, I need your help. Where does Ino live?"

"Ino? What do you want with _her_?" Her voice sounded too sharp to her ears, but at least her footsteps hadn't faltered or anything stupid. She reached the cashier's desk and pretended to only half listen to Naruto's reply, hoping to soften the way she'd asked the question. Not that he seemed to have noticed, of course – Naruto could be _really_ thick at times, but right now she was glad for it.

"You know, for the assignment. She's kind of the only girl I know who's the right age and not a civilian, so I think I should try her first." He grinned and scratched the back of his head in the irritatingly familiar habit she'd never been able to break him of, and she concentrated on counting out the right change from her purse.

"She lives above the flower shop next door to my mum's. Works there too, some days. You know where I mean?" He should, because he used to follow her home and hang around on the street outside, back when they were young. Her mother had sniffed and drawn the curtains to hide them from his gaze, and at the time she'd wondered what was so bad about it. He _had_ to remember that.

"Yeah, I think..." He paused for an agonising moment, then nodded. "West of the town centre, near the academy, right?"

Sakura nodded and absently took the bag the cashier had been trying to hand her, looking inside rather than up at Naruto's face. She wasn't sure why it irritated her so much he wanted to go for _Ino_, but she certainly didn't want him to notice it had such an effect. He would misinterpret it and think it had something to do with _him_, when really it was more that she didn't like Ino beating her at anything. At the same time, she didn't really think Naruto would manage, and it made her want to squirm with embarrassment and pity for him at the thought of the kind of clumsy things he might say and do. She should warn him or something really, but how could she without it being taken the wrong way?

It was only when the cashier coughed beside her that she realised she was standing alone, blocking the till and receiving glares from the queue behind her. Naruto was nowhere in sight.

Well fuck him, she thought as she stomped out of the shop. He could make as much a fool of himself as he liked, she didn't care!

* * *

Before anybody comments or complains about the pairings, I'd like to say one thing. There are no pairings yet. This is not SasuSaku, NaruSasu, SakuNaru, or any other combination. These guys are teenagers with hormones who spend a lot of time together, they have tensions and desires and a hell of a lot of repression in some cases :coughSasukecough: but that doesn't mean they're about to get together. 'Kay?

Anyway, now I've got that off my chest...feedback, anyone? Unless you've all just forgotten this fic's existence, in which case I don't blame you.


	7. The Best Laid Plans

Look, it's actually a new chapter within a month of the last! Hopefully this will become habit in future, but I make no promises. Anyway, on with the plot. Enjoy!

* * *

This was ridiculous. Here he was, possibly Konoha's most adored bachelor, wondering how on earth to complete an assignment that required him to kiss someone. Hell, he could probably walk up to a stranger in the street and they most likely wouldn't refuse him. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

It was partly because he didn't want to encourage them, because the number of girls who routinely followed him around was large enough already, but it was something more too. He didn't want to be a trophy, and he knew it would be taken that way; they would think he'd chosen the girl because he _liked_ her, not simply because she was convenient, and it would be awful for everybody involved. Him especially.

No, his task, despite Naruto's loud assertions, was not the easiest. He wouldn't settle for anybody who fawned over him like most of the local girls, he wanted someone worth his attention. Someone with sense, no romantic notions, and no obsession with him.

Bitterly, Sasuke spent a moment reflecting upon how rare such women were. The few that sprang to mind were invariably much older than him, and mostly married. He almost considered Kiba's sister, but that would be more trouble than it was worth (not that he thought Kiba could beat him in a fair fight, but at the moment he only had taijutsu available and Kiba had no such limitation. Not only that, but the stupid mutt was persistent and held grudges), and besides Hana Inuzuka was on the old side for him.

Temari came to mind, being bright and straightforward, but again there was the family issue. He wasn't fool enough to think he could beat the Kazekage of Suna in a fight at the best of times, and now was not the best of times. An orphan then, that would do the job.

But really, how many orphan girls were there in Konoha within a few years of his age who didn't find him attractive? Or at least, who didn't obsess over him, a little attraction wouldn't hurt the situation. The best place to look would probably be the missions office; he could check the roster and see who was around, and hopefully at least one of them would be suitable. If not now, he would wait, and if nobody had turned up by the last day, he would just have to suck up his pride and kiss one of his stalkers.

Luckily, the missions room turned out to be empty except for a typically fraught Shizune, who greeted him with an absent minded smile before turning back to an enormous pile of paperwork. She wasn't too unattractive, really, in a traditional sort of way, but she was too old by a good decade (that, and he suspected she was too intent on her work to even hold a conversation, let alone be persuaded into kissing him).

Dismissing her as a possibility, Sasuke walked over to the far wall to look over the mission roster. Names flowed over him without faces to match, for the most part, but a few stood out. Kurenai was around, and Hinata too, but the former was both old and taken, while the Hyuuga girl had an inexplicable interest in Naruto, of all people (and again the family thing; Neji was a jounin already and didn't seem to hate his cousin any more, little Hanabi was the prodigy of her year, and there was even a _father_ to contend with). Anko was on a mission from mid afternoon today, and he didn't know how to go about finding her even if he wanted to try his luck in that direction...

Scanning further down without incident, he had almost reached the end before a name caught his eye.

#

Naruto bounced on the balls of his feet for a moment, looking at the shop. It was definitely the right place. He'd thought out some winning lines, washed, and put on clean clothes. Hell, he'd even brushed his hair a bit, though it didn't look much different from what he could see of his reflection.

There was no way to get more prepared, so he might as well get it over with. He bounced a moment more, then finally managed to get his feet to comply, and made his way into the shop.

The first thing he noticed was that the place stank, so sweet and sticky it actually made his eyes water. The second, a moment late because he'd been busy screwing up his nose against the flowery assault, was that the blond behind the desk was not actually Ino. And didn't look entirely pleased to see him.

"Are you alright there sir?" Asked a distinctly male voice, carrying the same thread of contempt that had always made Ino seem kind of, well, bitchy. The guy had long hair and a pretty girly face though, sort of like Sasuke's that way but at the same time totally different.

At least Sasuke had sensible hair. Well. More sensible, ish.

It wasn't until the guy coughed pointedly that Naruto realised he'd been staring. Nervous, he bounded over to the counter, just barely missing a sudden spray of pink flowers at face height. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine. I was wondering if Ino was around?"

He tried for a winning smile, but it didn't appear to work. Maybe this girly-boy was an over compensating protective big brother of something. Looking closer, it was hard not to laugh. He wasn't just a long haired blond who worked in a flower shop, he had pierced ears. And unscarred hands with _neat_ fingernails. He was almost as bad as Haku had been with mucking up his gender.

Naruto managed not to laugh outright, but he did snort slightly and it didn't go unnoticed. The guy's expression turned even more stony. "I'm afraid my daughter is out. What did you want to see her about?"

He'd opened his mouth to reply before his brain skidded to a stop and replayed the sentence he'd just heard. Daughter? As in, this was her dad? The guy – man, whatever – didn't look older than twenty. Surely he couldn't be as old as he'd need to to be father to a seventeen year old. Nobody could get someone pregnant aged three, could they? The thought made him want to shudder, but he kept himself mostly under control and tried to respond normally.

"I, er, just wanted to talk to her about something. I'm a teammate of Sakura's, you know Sakura, right?" For some reason it freaked him out to think he was talking to Ino's father. A stupid, giggly part of him wanted to tell the guy he was planning to kiss his daughter for an assignment, but in the end sense won out.

He'd heard that brothers could be scary, but Ino's dad was definitely scarier now than he'd seemed when Naruto thought he was just a sibling.

"I know who you are, yes." Blue eyes exactly the shade of Ino's own narrowed on him, hard and judgemental like the majority of the village still was. Not just a protective dad then, a Kyuubi-vessel-hating dad. And didn't Ino's jutsu style revolve around messing up people's minds?

Fighting the urge to shiver at the thought, he managed to push his nervousness away. He just needed to get on the guy's good side, and he'd be fine. He stuck out his hand and grinned again. "Well it's nice to meet you, uh, sir. What's your name?"

"Inoichi Yamanaka. Did you want to leave a message for her?"

Naruto considered it, but none of the things he'd been planning to say would make sense in a message, or else they would probably persuade Inoichi to break his mind or something. He couldn't exactly chat Ino up via her father anyway, it just seemed wrong. He shook his head and tried not to look suspicious.

"No, it's fine. Nothing urgent, I'll talk to her another time."

Inoichi clearly wasn't fooled, so Naruto beat a swift retreat before the conversation could get any more out of hand. God, fathers could be scary!

And now he had Hinata's whole family to contend with. He just hoped he didn't run into Neji.

#

She was alone when he found her, surrounded by yards of unrolled paper. He watched her for a minute through the trees, sitting sealing her weapons back into the storage scrolls she carried with her. Not just re-sealing actually, it seemed; she was writing each seal fresh in blood, the blank scroll beyond impressing him. Who knew Tenten was competent enough to make her own storage scrolls?

"You can come down if you want to get a better look." She called, not turning her head or eyes from her work. Sasuke was momentarily surprised, because usually nobody but Kakashi could catch him out, but jumped down to land near the edge of her vision. She didn't glance up even as he approached, which irritated him for some reason. Not many people could afford to dismiss him as a threat, and he'd not pegged Tenten as one of the few. Not that that was a bad thing, necessarily, but how had he not noticed sooner?

He stood uncomfortably, watching as she finished writing wet symbols with the tip of her forefinger, before placing a length of weighted razor wire in the centre and sealing it with a pulse of chakra. Only when the marks had dried did she look up at him, one eyebrow raised in question. "What brings you out here, Uchiha? Your team are listed as 'recuperating', so you can't be looking to spar." Her voice was plain to match her gaze, and it was inexplicably hard to formulate a lie to cover himself.

"I came to watch you train. I'm interested in your use of scrolls."

"Really? I didn't know." Her tone was bordering on sarcastic now, and he only just resisted the urge to scowl at her. He was trying to be nice, dammit, why couldn't she make it easy?

"Yes. Really." He couldn't quite keep the bite out of his own voice, but she didn't look phased by it, if anything, she looked pleased. Had she taken his word for it? But Tenten was a rank above him, training for ANBU if the rumours were true. Surely, she wouldn't be taken in so easily (not that he was lying about his interest, of course he was always keen to learn new techniques...but she must see he had hidden motives.)

"The jounin exams are coming up soon, aren't they, I suppose that's why you decided to seek me out now." She murmured, not quite smiling, not quite mocking. Sasuke was on his guard at once, though he felt oddly relieved. She wasn't a fool, but things seemed to be moving in a less confrontational direction now. If he played it right, he was confident he could persuade her to find him attractive today, and tomorrow, maybe complete the assignment. But he needed to remain convincing enough to keep her in the dark about his ulterior purpose.

With as blandly friendly an expression as he could muster, he nodded and sat beside her. "I'd be honoured if you would teach me your technique."

Tenten's face fell into a grin at that, her whole posture relaxing as if in preparation to fight. "You'll have to try harder than that to get anything from me, Uchiha."

#

The Hyuuga estate was bigger than Naruto had expected. Not big enough to be a whole district of Konoha, but getting there. He'd never really noticed before, because the wall that surrounded the place didn't look too massive from the front, but now he'd looked further he could see the land was walled off in a wedge, like a slice of cake. The bit visible from the road was only the tip of the cake.

But its massiveness gave him an advantage, after all it had to be pretty hard to guard all those miles of wall, even with freaky Neji-eyes.

He wandered casually along the western edge, ears pricked. There, that was the explosion. That should have caught everybody's attention, and his clone should keep them distracted for a while. Plus, he'd know as soon as they caught it, so he'd have ample warning to get running if necessary.

He turned from gazing innocently into the woods and climbed easily over the wall, all by hand as there seemed to be some kind of chakra filling the bricks and he was pretty sure he didn't want to find out how it would react to his own energy. Just a little further, and then he dropped over the other side silently. Well, almost. Stupid Hyuugas making the ground unexpectedly high this side of the boundary.

He gave a quick inward cheer at the success of his plan, then set off towards the biggest building he could see. That was where they'd keep Hinata most likely, right? Unless that was a training ground or something, it didn't look all that classy. He paused and checked around him again.

That must be it. Smaller, just a little bit, but made with white stone and surrounded by traditional gardens. And they didn't even appear to have any guards around! Neji didn't seem like the only one in his clan with arrogance issues.

But if not for that, beating Neji would have been _way_ harder, so it was actually a bonus for Naruto. Now all he had to do was find Hinata! Well, that and the kissing thing, but he'd work that bit out later.

Making huge long plans hadn't worked when he'd tried Ino, and they weren't his style anyway. And anyway, Hinata didn't seem as picky as Ino, she probably wouldn't be so hard to convince. Except for all the fainting and all. Did it still count as successful if the person you kissed was out cold?

Carefully, he tiptoed across raked gravel, reaching the open doorway ahead without messing up the pattern too much. Hopefully nobody would notice such a small disturbance, it wasn't like he was messing up a picture or anything anyway.

He took off his shoes, remembering that clans like the Hyuuga tended to be weird about such things (at least, Sasuke was), and peered inside. It was plain for a bedroom, but there were flowers in a vase and a mirror with a hairbrush in front of it, and some girly looking bottles too.

Naruto grinned. Looked like he'd found Hinata's bedroom on the first try. He could just wait in here till she arrived, and then reveal himself. After all, nobody would be creepy enough to look into a girl's bedroom, right? Even with an all-seeing bloodline limit.

Now, where to hide while he waited?

* * *

My muse lives of feedback. Don't starve her, please!


	8. Unforseen Complications

Another late update, I know...the whole Christmas season and my new job caught up with me, and instead of posting a shorter chapter, I struggled to make everything fit in one. I'm at a bit of a turning point with the whole fic actually - wondering whether to up the rating to M, ironing out some plot issues, and thinking I should probably write shorter chapters so the wait isn't as long. Let me know what you guys think, and I'll try to take that into account.

Anyway, blather over. Enjoy!

* * *

The last few minutes had passed achingly slow, fraught with tension. Tenten was playing some kind of game, he could tell, but he didn't know what or why, which irritated him. He didn't even have time to think on it properly, because he was busy keeping up his cover, pretending to be interested (and he was, on some level, but he had a mission right now which made it hard to think of anything else), and attempting to keep up with her odd verbal sparring. Her face and voice and body language just didn't add up, and it constantly jarred his senses, made it hard to respond.

"Obviously," She smirked over the scroll at him, voice soft and eyes amused, "You mustn't leave blood prints anywhere outside the seal, otherwise it'll burn through when you apply chakra. Or, if there's a print somewhere in the seal, it'll disrupt the flow and god knows what might happen when you activate it."

"Ah, I see," Sasuke returned, keeping his irritation in check and presenting as bland a countenance as possible to her. She hadn't told him anything he didn't know yet, hadn't behaved as if she were attracted to him, hadn't done anything at all except repeat information he'd learned way back at the academy on sealing techniques. He wouldn't complete the assignment in time (or at all) if things continued like this; but he really didn't know how to change the atmosphere.

Suppressing a sigh, he tried to smile at her, wishing he'd just sacrificed his pride and gone after some stranger in the street. Tenten, being an infuriating kind of girl, met his smile, before sitting back on her heels and laughing. What on earth? Was she suffering from some kind of mental breakdown, or had he somehow just lost the little game she was playing? But he laughter didn't sound derisive, or even insane; it sounded more real than anything else exchanged between them through this whole mangled conversation.

He watched and waited as her mirth subsided, as her hand flapped, stilled, and finally she gave him an explanation. "Sorry, it's just...I'm not very good at acting. I'm more of a straightforward type. But it was just so funny to rile you up-" She descended into another small fit, more like giggles this time. "I'm guessing you're here to ask me out or seduce me or something, right? Don't worry, I won't ask you why, I've been there."

And the situation dive bombed from irritating to humiliating. Was he really all that obvious? Dropping any pretence of 'nice' behaviour, he scowled and hid his clenching fists in his pockets. It definitely would have been better to go after a stranger, if it would have avoided a situation like this. Still, she was waiting for confirmation (unless her expression was just a sign of holding in more laughter, which was also a possibility), so he grunted noncommittally.

She unfolded her legs from underneath her and leant forward, face uncomfortably close. "So what exactly did you come here for, little chuunin?"

#

Hiding in a girl's wardrobe seemed a little creepy, but Naruto blamed Jiraiya for that. A few years ago and it would just have been a good hiding place, but now that perverted sage had corrupted him and he couldn't help but squirm a bit at the thought that he was sitting on her nighties.

At least they were comfortable. The only other place he could have hidden was in the tiny cupboard under the dressing table, and when he'd looked in there it had turned out to be full of weapons. If it had been larger, that wouldn't have been a problem, but he didn't think he could fit without getting stabbed or sliced.

It was awfully quiet in here, with the clothes muffling the sounds of the outdoors. It made him sit as still as possible, head ducked low to avoid rustling the hanging clothes. Naruto was tempted to channel chakra to his ears, but last time he'd tried it hadn't worked so well. Then again, it had turned out to be a pretty good offensive move. Sasuke hadn't expected a super-powered side-on headbutt.

Of course, the bastard claimed that when they were training their control rather than sparring a surprise headbutt didn't count as a win, but that was just Sasuke being prickly and superio-

"If you move one inch I'll fry your brains." That wasn't Hinata. Definitely not Hinata. Shit. He waited for several silent seconds while the girl – he could tell that much from her heeled shoes in the crack of the open door – watched him. Then she broke the silence again. "Look at me. Only move your head."

He tilted his face up to her, a trouser leg obscuring his vision for a moment before she knocked it aside and fully opened the door. Dark hair, more browny than blue, and hard eyebrows with a firm jaw. She looked almost like Neji, really, only with a clear forehead and girls clothes and stuff.

"You're Uzumaki Naruto. What are you doing in my room?" Her voice was kinda like Neji's too, but not so cold and stuck up. In fact, if she'd been smiling rather than glaring at him with those freaky bulging eyes, she might've looked nice.

But right now was not the time to think of that. He needed to get out before she attacked or alerted the rest of the clan. "Well, I...I didn't know this was your room. Sorry." Well, that was pathetic. No excuse at all, but he didn't want anybody thinking he was the type to stalk preteen girls, least of all this mini-Neji. Oh, wait. Maybe she was Neji's sister or something. That could work as an excuse.

"Yeah, I was just trying to find Neji. Is he your brother or something?"

The girl sniffed, unbelieving. "He's my cousin, and why would he be in my closet?" And with that she grabbed Naruto's arm and hauled him out into the open.

At least her eyes weren't popping any more. How in hell did these Hyuugas manage to have so many cousins anyway? Were they all inbred or something? He decided not to ask, seeing as he was trying to get on her good side and all.

She wasn't buying his story though, so he needed a diversion. She shook him, surprisingly strong for such a shrimpy brat. "Come on, talk. Or I'll call father." The threat would have been funny with how childish it sounded, if he hadn't already had a run-in with Ino's dad that day.

Screw it, this was way beyond diversions. "I'm looking for Hinata. She's a friend of mine from my year at the academy and-"

"What do you want with my sister?" The kid snapped, voice turning even more icy. She was turning out scarier than daddy Yamanaka had been, even. Why had he thought it would be a good idea to go for Hinata again?

Wait.

Sister? He jumped back, yanking her forwards as her grip on him held. "You're Hinata's sister?"

She pushed away from him, but nodded. "Hanabi Hyuuga. Now, what did you want with her?" Her – Hanabi's – voice was softer now, her face too, but hell if he knew why. Still, if he talked, she might stay that way, and it was a hell of a lot better than having her all scary and Neji-like.

He shrugged, trying to think of something innocent and believable. "I just wanted to-" But then he got thrown off track by the deluge of memories signalling his clone's disappearance. "Shit."

Hanabi didn't look disturbed by his outburst, though her eyes did bulge horribly again. "They'll kill you if they catch you in here you know," She told him complacently "But if you leave now you might escape."

"But I need to see Hinata!" He couldn't back down, there were no other girls he stood a chance with. Plus, it had taken serious planning to break in, and he'd hate for it to go to waste. Hanabi sighed and folded her arms.

"She's not even here. I can give her a message from you though, if it's short."

A message? And why was everybody _out_ all the time? But he had to do something, maybe he could ask for Hinata to meet with him later, or, or...

Inspiration struck. He wouldn't have to actually seduce anyone at all! He could just kiss Hanabi, and if she was anything like her sister, she'd be way too shy to 'pass the message on'. That way, it'd be mission successful and he could finally escape. Otherwise, he'd have to find yet another girl, and go through more insane family stuff most likely.

But if he just kissed her, she'd probably kill him. He'd need to to it at the last moment before he escaped.

Plan decided, he nodded and turned to the door. "Can you come with me to the far wall? Please?" He added, remembering what Sakura said about a little politeness going a long way. Hanabi sighed and resumed her Neji-like glaring, but followed him as he put his shoes back on and began the dash back to the western wall.

Her eyes were still bulging as she called out to him: "It's okay, they're all still looking around on the east side, nobody's watching us." It must be useful, he thought, to be able to check so thoroughly like that. But then the wall was approaching and he needed to keep focused or Hanabi might well beat him up before he could escape.

They stopped just beside it, and Naruto grinned nervously at what he was about to do. He'd never tried to anger a girl on purpose before, but at least this way he'd know to dodge, right?

"So. Your message?" Hanabi's voice was still softer than he'd expected. It made it easier to lean in as if to whisper, then at the last moment, press his mouth to hers before darting away.

He was over the wall and sprinting for the road before she could react, grinning in triumph and wondering vaguely how come such a cold looking face could have such warm lips.

He was back to the road and about to flee homeward when he remembered. He stopped, swore, and wheeled back round. Damn Kakashi for insisting that the recipient had to accept it, now he had to go back and check that Hanabi wasn't pissed off about it. And if she was, what the hell was he supposed to do next?

#

The yellow light here didn't do her skin or clothes any favours, now she looked. Then again, the bathroom lights were harsher than those in the bar, so maybe it wouldn't look so bad once she returned. Sakura leaned in to the small mirror on the wall and regarded her right hand eyelashes critically. It wasn't _too_ bad; the damage she'd done to her makeup with an absent minded eye-rub was minimal, just a bit smudgy. She smeared the dark kohl back where it belonged with her fingertip, careful to wipe the appendage clean on a tissue rather than risk smudging her dress, before turning to leave with a sigh.

Just two more hours, and she'd call it quits for the night. It had been silly to expect – what was his name again? Ak...Akio, that was it – to turn up the very next night. Still, she'd half hoped someone else might approach her, as they had last night. But apparently today she just wasn't attractive enough, maybe because this time she hadn't had Naruto throwing money at accessories left right and centre.

She'd thought her boots and some eyeliner did enough paired with this dress, but then she had, according to Ino, no taste at all. It was irritating to admit her friend might be right, even in the privacy of her own head, but so far she wasn't feeling the slightest bit attractive.

Still, she thought as she opened the door, it was only the first night. If she couldn't find Akio tonight, she would still have plenty of time to think up another plan.

Someone appeared in the doorway in front of her, and she dropped back automatically into a defensive stance before hastily standing straight as her dress slid down a little and her eyes took in her 'surpriser'.

"Sakura? Sorry! I didn't mean to surprise you."

"Akio!" She dared not smile lest it turn into an all-out triumphant grin. It looked like tonight might not be a waste of her time after all!

#

The evening air was warm enough to keep training until the light faded completely, still and fragrant with damp foliage. Sasuke relished it as he manoeuvred through the Konoha forest; no chakra, just pure muscle and the simple pleasure of his body responding to his wishes. This was where he felt most at home, away from people and talk and thought. Tonight it was proving more difficult than usual to let his mind rest, a small chatter in the back of his head replaying snippets of conversation, images, emotions.

He leapt for a tree branch and slung himself under, up, twisted, and landed on top. The leaves barely rustled, just as he'd expected. Up further, harder leaps and longer drops helping still his restless brain. So he'd not completed the mission, so he'd mucked it up a bit. Tenten had told him to come back tomorrow, so he would worry about it then.

The branches became thin, springy and pointing up at unhelpful angles (louder, too, but disguised by the wind now). He paused and rolled his shoulders, feeling the race of blood under his skin and contemplating the drop below. It was too dark now to see the ground; the moon had yet to rise and the sun was long gone, but he'd be able to see all the branches as he approached them, and his reactions were fast enough to avoid damage.

Finally his mind was still as his muscles coiled. Then he sprang, and descended headfirst into the tangle of wood.

#

The night was wearing on, and though Sakura had actually had a reasonably nice time, she wanted this mission over with. A farewell kiss would be the easiest way of escaping without having to spend ages faking romance, and she'd been holding out all evening as Akio attempted to manoeuvre her into a more kissable position. It was sort of fun – the whole 'being wanted' thing – but more than that it was dull to pretend, and the sense of excitement at having perked someone's interest was quickly fading.

She tilted her head to one side and nodded smilingly, having tuned out of her admirer's chatter early on. Her cover story of being a passer-through was easy to maintain, but it _did_ get dull when it left her listening to tales about her own town all evening. Soon she could go though, she just needed to wait out his current tale of the Third's face cracking on the mountain during the Oto invasion and how it had been an omen of the man's death. She didn't know how he'd managed to spin it out so long, but _finally_ he seemed to be finishing.

"-and it wasn't even fixed before his funeral, because there had been so much damage to the rest of the town!" Akio paused for breath, and Sakura spoke before he could continue.

"Wow, that's so fascinating, I love how much history this place has. You'll have to tell me more some time," She enthused, wondering if her interest sounded as fake to him as it did to her own ears. "But I'm all done for tonight, I'd better be heading back home." Sakura moved close enough to be in kissing range, but instead of taking the opportunity, the idiot boy jumped up.

"Oh, let me walk you back. It's not safe out this late for a lady, and I daresay you'll get cold like that-" His gaze flickered very obviously to her exposed chest "-you can wear my jacket."

Damn it all, was there no escape? But maybe, if he walked her home, then she could get rid of him – and more importantly, kiss him – at the doorway. She knew it was a common enough civilian habit, but within the village's shinobi she didn't think a single man she knew would do that – it would be a slight on the woman's strength, among other things. But Akio didn't know, so she nodded in what she hoped was a civil manner.

"Sure."

* * *

Remember to let me know what you want - should the fic keep it's current T rating, or rise to an M? And would you prefer shorter updates more often, or longer but with more delay?


	9. Morning Aftermath

**EDIT**: Sorry for spamming your inbox if you have this fic on alert, but for some reason this didn't want to publish. Chapter remains unchanged, sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Again, a slower update that I would have liked but this time I actually have a legitimate reason. I've had flu and pneumonia for a month, but now I'm recovering and able to get down to writing again. This chapter's a bit on the short side, but hopefully it won't disappoint. Enjoy!

* * *

Hanabi was still by the wall when Naruto vaulted over, close enough that he nearly bowled right into her. She dodged, of course, and glared at him. "What did you forget?" She snapped.

"Uh..." He wasn't sure what would get him punched, and took a quick step back just in case. "I just wanted to check I hadn't, er, scared you then or anything." His face insisted on smiling, though that was probably a bad idea right now. Sure enough, her expression flicked to rage, then into blankness. Kinda like when he _really _pissed Sasuke off.

"That is. Not. An issue. Is that all? I thought you had a _message_-" She sneered briefly, "-for my sister, and maybe forgot part of it in your rush to leave."

A message? Oh yeah, shit, that's how he'd convinced her to come out here in the first place. "Um, no...I didn't have anything to add." She glared harder, and he tried again to appease her. "I'm sorry I did that so suddenly, I didn't mean to. Well, I didn't mean to upset you, anyway."

"Idiot." Seriously, she sounded like a cross between Neji and Sasuke, and he would have found it funny if she didn't look scarier than both. "I'm a _kunoichi_, do you really think a fool like you _kissing_ me would _upset_ me?"

And now she was breaking out the word-stressing thing Sakura sometimes did. Crap. He began to panic "I just- I didn't mea-"

"Shut _up_." She spat, and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him forward unceremoniously and locking her lips to his. This wasn't so much a brushing of lips as a mash. There were teeth and tongue involved too, and that was kind of disgusting on some level because she was Hinata's kid sister. Her mouth was amazingly warm and demanding, considering she looked so blank on the outside.

He tried not to pant as Hanabi let go of her grip on his collar and pulled away. Her lips looked too red for her face. It didn't stop her sneering again, but some of the contempt in it was lost in the puffy colour. "If that's all you were here for, I'll be sure to pass your regard to my sister." He stared, not sure of his own ears. Had she just said she was going to kiss her- "You can go now." She bit out.

He decided to think about it all later, when he was a long long way from the Hyuuga estate and all its crazy residents.

#

Sakura awoke to the footsteps of the postman – the same one her apartment had been served by ever since she'd moved in, which was good because she knew his footsteps really well by now and her senses didn't go haywire when he stopped by her door. Her eyes felt thick and crusty, so she slung herself up from the warmth of her bed and wandered to the bathroom mirror.

Last night's eyeliner had been a bitch to remove, and she'd given up because, after all, she didn't need to look good today. Her grin was lopsided in the mirror, and she didn't give a damn. She'd _done_ it! She'd got Akio to kiss her at the bottom of the block, suddenly realising that she didn't want him knowing her _exact_ address. He'd been oddly quiet on the walk, but when she reached the code-locked first entrance door – her block had three different sets, to cater to the more paranoid tenants – and she'd turned to him expectantly, he'd finally got the hint.

As first kisses went, she was sure it was mediocre. He had been too gentle, too _civilian_ – all cupping her cheek and softly pressing his lip to hers – nothing properly passionate. But of course, she reminded herself as she showered and rubbed the grey stains around her eyes mercilessly with soap, it didn't matter. She never had to see him again, and she could do what she liked for the next two days. Her mission was complete, at least once she'd got her report written up.

Humming in contentment and wondering how to spend all her newly freed up time, Sakura dressed in beautifully un-dressy clothes, and scrummed down an un-lady-like breakfast. She left the plates in a wobbly pile to wash later, and by the time she reached the front door, felt gratifyingly herself again. Playing mind games and manipulation just wasn't comfortable, she'd spent enough years pretending to be what she wasn't as a kid.

There was post for her. Not just the normal array of bills and acknowledgements of mission reports submitted or overtime work at the hospital paid. No. Today, there were _flowers_ in her mail.

She picked up the bound bunch and examined them, just barely keeping from frowning. Nobody but Ino had ever given her flowers, and those Ino _had_ given her were always the week's leftovers from the shop, so they didn't really count. Her teammates and co-workers at the hospital didn't really give gifts – her last birthday Tsunade had offered to take her out gambling and Naruto had tried for a date, but only Ino had given her a card and nobody else had given her any _presents_. And that was fine by her, if that was the trade-in for being respected and useful in her village.

But someone had sent her flowers today. They were tulips, pink ones and white ones in a tight bundle wrapped around in pink ribbon, and while they didn't quite match her hair, it was close enough to make her suspicious. There was no message attached, but she had an uneasy feeling they were from a certain civilian idiot.

Good mood wavering – after all it _was_ nice to be given something beautiful, even if she didn't really want it – Sakura headed back inside to find something to use as a vase. Fumbling in the depths of her crowded crockery cupboard, she made the mistake of looking out the window. A sandy haired form with bad posture looked back, smile visible from three stories up.

She threw open the window, still holding her flowers, and leaned out. Enough was enough. First flowers, and now he was _watching_ her? "What the hell are you doing here?"

He waved and she scowled – waving wasn't an explanation, nor a retreat. She didn't have time for lovestruck idiots. Brandishing her bouquet-filled fist for effect, she tried again. "I said, what the _hell_ are you doing here, Akio!"

"Do you like the flowers, kunoichi?" He called back, seemingly undeterred.

Sakura's brain suddenly clicked into gear. "And how the hell did you find out where I lived to send me flowers?"

"I waited outside the block for the postman, I assumed he'd know which apartment the 'girl with pink hair' lived in. There can't be that many like you around!" She ground her teeth and ignored that. And he'd seemed so safely dim at first, how could she have misjudged him so?

Her brain clicked again, this time more of a spasm, and she nearly dropped her flowers. He'd called her 'kunoichi'. Of course, he must've known from the moment she'd walked him to this side of town. Stupid, stupid planning – he'd been so benignly dull that she'd just assumed he knew nothing about the town layout, that he would just swallow her story of being a traveller if she let him talk about the village and didn't correct his mistakes.

She gritted her teeth around the knowledge that she'd underestimated her opponent. Now, she would have to drive him away somehow...

Speculatively, she eyed the bundle in her hand. It wasn't too heavy – wouldn't cause him any damage she could get disciplined over – but it sent the right message. And she couldn't get the damn vase out to put the flowers in anyway, so they might as well be put to good use.

Decision made, she hurled the bright bouquet, flowers first, at the smiling man below. His reflexes were civilian, so she had time to twist herself out of the window and run round the side of the building and out of sight behind the guttering before he realised quite what had hit him. Crouching behind an air-con unit, Sakura considered her options for the rest of the day. Hopefully the flowers had got the message aross and Akio would stop bothering her, but she didn't feel confident about that. It would be better to play it safe and take refuge away from home to write her report.

Now, where would be the last place a civilian would set foot?

#

Naruto woke to the metallic clanging of his new clock, and an inexplicable feeling of dread. His dreams had been full of Neji, alternately trying to kiss him and then attack him. That, and Kakashi, who had lurked in the background, sniggering into his book. He hit the clock and sat up, mind still running over that second kiss and wondering why all the Hyuuga clan were so _weird_.

Still, it was a new day today, and he was done with all that. Today he could train, and when Sasuke was recovered he'd be so for behind it would be funny. That was a much better way to start the day, thinking about beating the Bastard always made him feel good.

He put a double portion of ramen on to boil and went in search of clean clothes. At least, he was pretty sure they were clean. The important thing was that they smelled decent, and that he got them on before the ramen overcooked and went soggy.

His eating time didn't quite make any new records, but he was out of the apartment soon enough, into the spring air and the sounds of the town waking up. He headed to training field nine on top of the hokage monument, because it was on the other side of town from the Hyuugas, and he'd never met Neji's or Hinata's teams there. It was the least used of all the training grounds, and he didn't feel like being interrupted today, especially by vengeful family members.

When he arrived the place was chilly and empty, except for some wildlife that escaped into the scrubby undergrowth when he got close. He filled the sloping field with clones and had them spread out in pairs for some hand-to-hand as a warmup, but they'd only just got started when he felt a whole bunch of them cancel themselves.

He tried to interpret all the memories flooding him, and got a kick in the side from his sparring partner as he lost focus. Wincing, Naruto dispelled the jutsu and peered around the suddenly smoky landscape. Somehow, he was feeling uneasy again, and it didn't improve as the hilltop wind cleared the air.

Someone was walking over, straight at him. Someone with dark hair and no colour to their eyes, from what he could tell at this distance. It had to be a Hyuuga, nobody else had any reason to follow him up here. But at least the guy – he thought it was a guy, anyway – wasn't outright attacking. There wouldn't be any use in trying to run away and hide, what with the Hyuuga bloodline, and he wasn't a coward anyway. It would probably make a better impression if he met the man halfway.

Weirdly, when he got close, the man knelt down on one knee. "You are Uzumaki Naruto?" Asked the guy softly, almost respectfully, and Naruto responded without thinking.

"That's me!"

"I am here to inform you that Hyuuga Hiashi-sama requests a meeting with you at your earliest convenience."


End file.
